List of Fives Part Fourteen
Five Reasons the G.I. Joe film sucked!
(I have to... I am a huge fan of the animated series from the early 1980s.)
1. The Baroness--In the animated series, the Baroness was one of my favorite characters. She had a muddled Eastern European accent, was relentless in her pursuit of Cobra's aims, secretly (or not so much) crushed on Destro, and was a master of disguise. The character in this debacle of a film is revealed to be Duke's former fiancee who went missing after the death of her brother. Yawn! Come on! She even turns good at the "climax" of the film to save Duke! *cringe*
2. Channing Tatum as "Duke"--I'm not a big fan of Duke. Flint was always my guy. But I cannot even imagine the film's Duke, as portrayed by Tatum, being one of the major leaders of G.I. Joe. Why don't young people in film act anymore? Granted, this is G.I. Joe, not Shakespeare, but still. Would a little emoting hurt? Tatum seems intent on holding his face as still as possible. Ugh! The animated series characters had more expressions!
3. The action sequences--In a word, downright boring! Most of it has been done before. Big explosions? Who cares? Weird weapons eating up the Eiffel Tower? Maybe you shouldn't have shown it in the trailer! The animated series was fairly formulaic but when you have lots of campy goodness going on, who cares? Maybe this film just took itself a bit too seriously? The accelerator suits looked like rip-offs from the "Halo" video game. And, they were sort of foolish since Snake Eyes was able to do everything Duke and Ripcord did without the suits!
4. Cobra Commander is Who?--The filmmakers tried to create a real-life scenario for where Cobra came from (the "Baroness" is an actual baroness, married to a man named de Cobray--get it?--who also happens to be a microbiologist or some such thing) and why Cobra Commander hides his face. Did we really need to know? What was so cool about the animated series Cobra Commander is that a) he was grossly incompetent and b) he was so obsessive in his quest for power that he surrounded himself mostly with sycophantic fools who usually ended up thwarting his plans for world domination. The film version was laughable and not in a good way. I admire Joseph Gordon-Levitt (yeah, I know) for his effort but this was a waste. I think in terms of Cobra Commander, it would have been okay for them to go a bit campy. The guy is obsessed with snakes and dreams of global conquesssssssst. He is supposed to be laughed at.
5. Serious lack of Joes!--Where was Lady Jaye? Flint? Mutt? Gung-Ho? Heck, even Shipwreck? The "team" (consisting mostly of Duke, Ripcord, Scarlett--yawn!, Heavy Duty, Snake Eyes and Breaker) went to various locations like the animated series. But, with the animated series, if the Joes had to go to the jungle, Recondo was there to guide them. Snow? Snow Job! Under water? Torpedo or Deep Six. There just weren't enough Joes. It's the same argument I made against the "Mission Impossible" films. That series and this are about units, teams. The Joes are about a large group of specially trained forces that can take on Cobra anywhere in the world. Six people aren't going to cut it. What made the animated series so much fun is how seamlessly the Joes moved. Yeah, the story arch would follow Duke & Scarlett or Flint & Lady Jaye but they would have a nice supporting team with them. Why would the Joes go to the polar ice cap without a snow specialist like Snow Job, Avalanche, or Alpine?
Now, I realize I'm ragging on a film that was not a big hit but I was super-excited when I heard that someone was going to attempt a live action version of the G.I. Joe story. And imagine my bliss when I heard that Ray "Darth Maul" Park was going to be playing Snake Eyes! This film was downright painful in its inanity.
Two (maybe three) highlights:
Ray Park, as Snake Eyes, had the best performance of the film. (For those of you who don't know, Snake Eyes does not speak and his face is covered by a mask.) I did not like the film mask, though. But, give Ray Park a physical role and just watch him move. He got into some nice sword fights with Storm-Shadow (another disappointing character), which were the highlights of the action sequences.
Brendan Fraser. Yep, he shows up briefly. I don't know exactly who he was supposed to be but he was wearing a beret like my boy, Flint, does so I am thinking he was supposed to be Flint.
Musical score was okay. Not great but still some good cues here and there.
(I have to... I am a huge fan of the animated series from the early 1980s.)
1. The Baroness--In the animated series, the Baroness was one of my favorite characters. She had a muddled Eastern European accent, was relentless in her pursuit of Cobra's aims, secretly (or not so much) crushed on Destro, and was a master of disguise. The character in this debacle of a film is revealed to be Duke's former fiancee who went missing after the death of her brother. Yawn! Come on! She even turns good at the "climax" of the film to save Duke! *cringe*
2. Channing Tatum as "Duke"--I'm not a big fan of Duke. Flint was always my guy. But I cannot even imagine the film's Duke, as portrayed by Tatum, being one of the major leaders of G.I. Joe. Why don't young people in film act anymore? Granted, this is G.I. Joe, not Shakespeare, but still. Would a little emoting hurt? Tatum seems intent on holding his face as still as possible. Ugh! The animated series characters had more expressions!
3. The action sequences--In a word, downright boring! Most of it has been done before. Big explosions? Who cares? Weird weapons eating up the Eiffel Tower? Maybe you shouldn't have shown it in the trailer! The animated series was fairly formulaic but when you have lots of campy goodness going on, who cares? Maybe this film just took itself a bit too seriously? The accelerator suits looked like rip-offs from the "Halo" video game. And, they were sort of foolish since Snake Eyes was able to do everything Duke and Ripcord did without the suits!
4. Cobra Commander is Who?--The filmmakers tried to create a real-life scenario for where Cobra came from (the "Baroness" is an actual baroness, married to a man named de Cobray--get it?--who also happens to be a microbiologist or some such thing) and why Cobra Commander hides his face. Did we really need to know? What was so cool about the animated series Cobra Commander is that a) he was grossly incompetent and b) he was so obsessive in his quest for power that he surrounded himself mostly with sycophantic fools who usually ended up thwarting his plans for world domination. The film version was laughable and not in a good way. I admire Joseph Gordon-Levitt (yeah, I know) for his effort but this was a waste. I think in terms of Cobra Commander, it would have been okay for them to go a bit campy. The guy is obsessed with snakes and dreams of global conquesssssssst. He is supposed to be laughed at.
5. Serious lack of Joes!--Where was Lady Jaye? Flint? Mutt? Gung-Ho? Heck, even Shipwreck? The "team" (consisting mostly of Duke, Ripcord, Scarlett--yawn!, Heavy Duty, Snake Eyes and Breaker) went to various locations like the animated series. But, with the animated series, if the Joes had to go to the jungle, Recondo was there to guide them. Snow? Snow Job! Under water? Torpedo or Deep Six. There just weren't enough Joes. It's the same argument I made against the "Mission Impossible" films. That series and this are about units, teams. The Joes are about a large group of specially trained forces that can take on Cobra anywhere in the world. Six people aren't going to cut it. What made the animated series so much fun is how seamlessly the Joes moved. Yeah, the story arch would follow Duke & Scarlett or Flint & Lady Jaye but they would have a nice supporting team with them. Why would the Joes go to the polar ice cap without a snow specialist like Snow Job, Avalanche, or Alpine?
Now, I realize I'm ragging on a film that was not a big hit but I was super-excited when I heard that someone was going to attempt a live action version of the G.I. Joe story. And imagine my bliss when I heard that Ray "Darth Maul" Park was going to be playing Snake Eyes! This film was downright painful in its inanity.
Two (maybe three) highlights:
Ray Park, as Snake Eyes, had the best performance of the film. (For those of you who don't know, Snake Eyes does not speak and his face is covered by a mask.) I did not like the film mask, though. But, give Ray Park a physical role and just watch him move. He got into some nice sword fights with Storm-Shadow (another disappointing character), which were the highlights of the action sequences.
Brendan Fraser. Yep, he shows up briefly. I don't know exactly who he was supposed to be but he was wearing a beret like my boy, Flint, does so I am thinking he was supposed to be Flint.
Musical score was okay. Not great but still some good cues here and there.
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